1) Hey you over there, holding that one dollar bill in your hand with a death grip and waving it around at me like it's the fucking deed to Trump Towers... what the fuck do you want me to do, grow another pussy?? It's a fuckin' dollar, put it down on the tiprail already. **yes, so true. My favorite is when you do a 15-20 second dance on stage for their $1, and they say, is that it? I'm like , uh, is THAT it? There were even the occasionally really drunk guys who actually tried to give you quarters. Don't do this boys. Quarters can leave quite a mark on your face when thrown by an angry stripper.
2) Men that come into the club for a lapdance with NO underwear or boxers and thin-ass, nylon shorts, so we slip and slide on your hard-on (which always feels like a sharpie pen). Ew! I don't even bother dancing with you nasty fucks anymore. ** Oh god, windshorts. Oh hey, you are the first guy who's ever thought of that! Wow. You must really be on to something. Please note that when your hard dick is poking through your wind pants it makes it really easy to aim my ass on it and sit down hard and fast. And whatever you are thinking in your head, trust me, it won't feel good. It will hurt reallll bad, and then you'll still owe me $20.
3) You with the thick-ass jeans--this was an impromptu visit, eh? ** Imagine sandpaper on your ass...it hurts. Hey cowboy, if you need to use a whole can of starch on your jeans, I am gonna have to pour a whole can of beer on your lap to make it pliable.
4) Don't pull my thong up during a dance and ask me if that felt good. It does NOT FEEL GOOD.** Or pull it down. I hated that. Once again you will just end up in pain and still owing me $20.
5) Hey you loser, counting all your bills to me after the dance, all $20 in ones, and rubbing your fingers between each one to make sure you are giving me just that one dollar. Yes, you. *This guy is a loser. Thank you kind sir, thank you so much for your charity.
6) No I will not let you just "slip it in real quick" for 50 more bucks. If you're going to proposition me, at least don't insult my worth. **Yes, men say this. Sometimes they offer more. Also heard, "hey, lemme see it" "can you put it in my mouth?" and my favorite "can I smell it"
7) Stop asking me if my tits are real. There are as real as my affection for you. *Classic, Also heard, "are those yours?"Reply," yep I bought 'em."
8) If you cum in your pants, you have to tip me an extra $100 for being a lame-ass who can cum from just a lapdance. ** Yes, oh yes, this happens too. I like her idea. :)
9) Stop asking me out. You're a smelly, fat loser and the only reason I'm smiling and cooing at you is because I want your money. Outside of the club I wouldn't even fart your way. **Actually keep asking me out, because until you figure it out, you're still gonna give me money.
10) Stop bitching at me about the goddamn two drink minimum. First of all your breath stinks, you have a piece of salami stuck to your goat-tee and you look like Jay Leno. Secondly, I don't give a shit. *Fastest way to get a stripper to leave your table, complain about drink prices. If you can't afford the drink you sure as hell aren't gonna get a dance...see ya!
11) Don't bitch at me about the $8 non-alcoholic beer either. Hide a bottle of Jack in your coat pocket next time like everyone else does. ** I haven't ever seen anyone do this at any club I worked at , but pretty clever.
12) My horniness is in direct proportion to your income. **I think this just about sums it all up.
13) No, you CAN'T SMOKE. Dumb. Ass. **Unfortunately I worked at a club where smoking was allowed. Prior to all the smoking bans.
14) Boys, don't sit in the front row with your homeboys and act all engrossed in some deep conversation (knowing damn well you ain't talking 'bout shit) during a girls performance because you want to look like you're too "cool" to notice the hot, naked girl in front of you. ** Boy, this is so true. This actually also happens during lap dances, and it kills me. I think every girl has given dances where the guy is looking around the room or talking to his friends. Usually suits or thugs. Trying to impress their friends. Easiest $20 for a stripper. I usually take that opportunity to work the room or make stupid faces at the guy I am dancing for.
15) DON'T SIT IN THE FRONT ROW IF YOU ARE NOT GOING TO TIP. Fer chrissakes!!!!!!!!!!! ** This should be a rule. end of story.
16) Dumb ass, don't ask me, "so what do you guys do when you're on your period?" Answer: I lap dance only with guys in dark pants. * I mean what do you think we do? I said I hold up in my house, put on sweat pants, smear chocolate all over my face, eat ho-hos ,and watch ghost over and over again. Isn't that what everyone does?
17) STOP trying to grab my tits!!!!!!!!! That's extra. **Hahaha. It should be extra. But it happens. I am always amused when regular girls are surprised that we get grabbed and touched all night long. They say, "But I thought that there were rules , that they couldn't touch you." Yes, but just like speeding... everyone does it.
18) SHOWER FIRST, you nasty fuck! **YES!!! I also hated when men wore inappropriate work clothes too. You really couldn't change out of your painters overalls before you came in? I mean WTF?
19) If you don't tip me, I'm going to call your wife. * tee hee hee...
20) I had a feeling you weren't going to tip me, so I took extra care to rub my lip gloss on your collar and wear extra glitter lotion before our dance. *Ummm, yeah...we do that. :)
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