Monday, July 6, 2009
Monday, June 22, 2009
Another Vice article.. love it!
By Gloria Glory
One of the greatest things about dewds is their ability to assume every woman wants them. The greatest things about dewds are that they continue to believe this in places such as Strip Clubs. Let's get one thing straight as far as we dancers are concerned it's a JOB - period. Part of the job is finding your stories about eating a hot dog and then going home to take a crap the most fascinating hunk of conversation ever shared. Oh, I am gonna loove this one.
Well guess what you're as sexy as a weather report, not a poet laureate; you are your own poetic justice. You would have a better chance screwing Queen Elizabeth after regaling her with your hair gel stories. Ergo, for the men who act like they are doing us a favor or tey (try?) bringing roses to a strip club because there was a "connection", oh no..i know those guys..oh this is gonna be bad..i feel the laughter tears wellin' up already. here's a few reasons why you are doomed.
PLANNINNG TO GO TO THE CLUB:
Let me guess: You find yourself going alone or with all male jock friends who are horrible with women…
Solution: JUST STOP! Call your mom and explain that you are horrible with women, start to cry and then go to bed. It's better than accidentally overhearing us mention that you are a gorgeous example of an unattractive guy.
YOUR ARRIVAL SUCKS
What you do: Apparently you haven't called your mother yet so you think you are still in the game. SIT DOWN!
What you do:
Guys who come in and make a "mother fucking ruckus" translates into a "mother fucking fuck us - financially". It pisses of everyone including the guy jacking off at his table. He even feels superior to you. oh noooo.
Gynecology row is a Gynecology No! Maybe sitting right in front the stage impresses a girl at a Sting concert but it a peeler bar it tells the girls you think went to a Sting concert.
Just do this: Sit to the side of the stage in the shadows like a sexy Vincent Price. DO NOT make a seen( scene?). How impressed do you think we'll get you're in a peeler bar for fuck sake. True, I like how she calls it a peeler bar. I have never heard that. We always called them titty bars.
The smell of a guy can be amazing if you're into him but if not (ie you) your personal odor is as welcome as a waft of a stranger's pepperoni belch. Cover it up with something, but before you do
ask yourself this: "Did I use a judicial amount of cologne or do I smell like I should be wedged between the pages of GQ? If you reek of shitty cologne go down the street to Planet Hollywood and find your wife.
Why we hate cologne:
The fact that I'm explaining this is making me furious! It REEKS and after smelling 40 different carefully chosen "scents" we've done more damage to our nasal cavity than the blow we just did. Bah hahaha! All your doing is effectively telling the girls that you have the expectations of a horny ten year old and you actually believe hip hop music videos are self improvement tapes.
ORDERING A DRINK
Make it short and sweet. The longer you take ordering while the waitress is there causes a log jam inhibiting you from being the man you think you are.
Complaining about drink prices in a strip bar is like complaining about not getting across the border American in a pot leafed "legalize it" shirt. Oh fuck! I hated, I mean HATED when guys did that. I was like are you for real?!?!
Why we hate it:
If you are losing your bald coconut over a $1.50 you're not exactly going to be peeling out the dead Prime ministers for my perfect ass. So true!
This is the deal ender is almost every case. You are in a strip club. Do you walk into a grocery store expecting free food cause your bragging about how much you eat?
Your cock, sex stories and financial success stories are BORING. If you somehow pull a David Copperfield they will figure it out on your date, in fact even Coppefield couldn't hypnotize Claudia into staying with him.
Nothing. If you're a human yawn there is little you can do in a five-minute conversation while "Shock The Monkey" is playing. Go home and shock your monkey.
WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?!
Actually I want to stick with conversation. Let's face it this is where men rule. They may have been wired to be aggressors and are individually convinced they would bring home the most from the hunt. Thanks to the implausible lessons of pop culture combined with their equally clueless friends, most guys think they are sexual warriors. Here are some golden moves courtesy of my last month at work.
Anyhow, check out how out of control it's become.
1 - This line is from a guy in a VIP lounge whispered into the ear of Erotica " If I told you who I actually am you would cum.. You have no idea how much I can do for you if we get along"
WHAT does that mean? Why don't you just put on a cape, twirl around and throw a smoke bomb on the floor captain enigma? oh god, I have heard versions of this. I mean get real. If you are so amazing, then why are you here paying me to pretend I like you. Pull-eeze!
2 - Here's a line from a guy who was wearing a suit that looked and smelled like it was "stolen from a rotting corpse"
"I may be Chinese but I love Hitler. Followed by a Zieg Heil. This was his idea of casual conversation. Saying you love Hitler is rich enough but thinking a Zieg Heil will seal the deal is at least 4 Ice Ages ahead of its time. Weird!
I'LL BAKE YOUR MOTHER
3 - This one happened during a strippers birthday at a club We brought a home made cake to the club for a dancer(yeah we can be right fucking classy)
Guy: Can you bake me like you baked that cake?
Dancer: I'll bake your mother.
Guy: What do you mean by that!? (Actually angry.)
4 - And Finally, just last night I got:
Guy: Inever get dances. Can I get your number? Or you want to come by my place.
Me: Look buddy, I'm not going to fuck you.
Guy: (self righteous) Who said anything about fucking? Maybe I just wanted to TALK and have some coffee. (then he made this ridiculous "upset" face.
(It was 3:30 AM) Hahaha...these guys are a dime a dozen. " I just want to hang out." Suuuuuuure.
SEE YOU NEVER
Well, good luck. If you can get your shit together and you do pick up, prepare for a life of work stories from your sweet heart about a thumb being squeaked up her ass at work when she wasn't looking.
It won't be me. Hee he. Shes funny.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
How to fuck a stripper...all you need is drugs.
And Still Have Money in Your Pocket
Most people think the way to a stripper’s pussy is with money, buying lap dance after lap dance, throwing stacks of singles on stage as they dance, and surprising them with expensive gifts. Those people are idiots. “Marks,” as the girls call them. Someone to be siphoned until not one drop of cash is left. So far very true...
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Strippers dating customers.
- First, there is going out with a customer strictly for money, with nothing SEXUAL. I did this a few times, but generally hated it. Because you had to be "on" all night. You know, you had to be that personality that they liked the entire evening. That is hard work!! It was usually just dinner, usually several hundred dollars. I only did this the last year I was dancing. A lot of girls do this with their best regulars.
- Then there is going out with a regular because you honestly like him, and he isn't skeezy, and you have a good time. It isn't sexual AT ALL outside the club, just 2 people hanging out like friends. He might pay for some stuff but you pay for a lot yourself too. I have done this a lot. Including a trip to Vegas and several concerts.
- Then there are the guys that pay you, that you actually really like and you wish they weren't paying you. But that only happened once, and he was married. I felt bad about it afterwards, even though again, there wasn't any sexual contact. I was still very young, under 21 I believe. We went shopping, smoked out in his car, and went to dinner. I still have the dress he bought me... although I doubt I can fit into it.
- Then there are the few that you are really attracted to, you go out with, they don't pay you, and it is sexual. There were only 2 guys like this for me. One I loved. I mean I actually fell in love with him, and I have only truly been in love with 3 men in my lifetime. We can call him Billy. Billy was hot. And I was feeling spicy. It was the last dance of the night, and I was trying to get a buyer. He took me up on my offer and at the end of the dance, which was hottttt, I said, "You should come back, and you should be single." I think I bought him a shot too and had it sent to his table. We went out for a while. At the time I was in an open relationship with the boy. I should have dumped the boy and stayed with Billy, but it ended up being the other way around. I still regret that. Then there was another, we'll call him Kevin. Ahh Kevin...ha ha. Kevin pursued me hard. He was young, athletic, overly confident, and a bit of a prick, which of course I liked. I finally gave in. He was a stallion and an amazing lover. (Oh, this is the guy that bought me the rabbit!!) We had a lot of fun, and a lot of hot nights, but it never turned into anything overly romantic. I actually saw him recently in Austin. Still yummy. Some day I will tell you ladies about what he calls "The Cobra."
- Then there are the girls that actually do go out and perform "favors" for money. I knew some of these girls. But this just wasn't my bag. Of course, it was offered a lot, but I always said no. Once there was this guy who would come in every week and up his offer to sleep with him by a grand...crazy. But still I said no. Even a stripper has her boundaries. :)